Naming Your Expectations
We all know life is unpredictable. So why does every surprise still feel like a personal failure?
After a couple of decades in leadership, I've learned that beneath our rational minds runs a hidden script of how things should go. The deal should close. I should wake up feeling rested. The meeting should run smoothly. People should act reasonably. Let's repeat that one, slowly. People … should … act … reasonably.
However, reality violates that script. All the time. And when it does, the unexpected doesn't just frustrate us—it devastates us.
The problem isn't the unexpected. It's the expectation we didn't know we had. You see, our hidden expectations promise control, then leave us empty when life refuses to cooperate. Brené Brown puts it more bluntly: "Expectations are resentments waiting to happen."
So, to help unearth those hidden scripts, try this three-step audit to surface yours:
Name three things that surprised you last month. Beside each one, write the unspoken "should" that made it sting. (Something like: "They should have responded faster." "I should be further along.")
Now, ask yourself a question: Is this expectation grounded in reality, or in my desire for control? If you cannot guarantee the outcome, it’s a preference masquerading as a rule.
Replace one "should" with "I hope... and if not, I will..." This small shift keeps you engaged and nurtures curiosity without handing your peace over to your circumstances.
The unexpected isn't our enemy. Our undocumented expectations are. Name them, and then the same chaos will suddenly feel lighter.